go find yourself ;;finn

[RONNIE LYNN ACKERMAN,]

Ronnie had gotten bad. Like really bad. The kind of bad where bad things always ended up happening and she had lost all control. Her brain wasn’t in her head anymore. It was stuck in her palm with no guard. She said everything and felt everything. Ronnie felt like everything she touched was a dream. She couldn’t answer, or breathe. Ronnie was just getting worse. She would slip in and out of control, in and out of her mind, in and out of herself. Ronnie wasn’t a stranger to this. She knew how to felt to be lost. She was a strange to being looked for, and Finn was certainly looking.
It wasn’t that before Finn people didn’t care. Jonah scared, but Jonah knew what was wrong, and mostly way. Their mother could never keep a secret, that’s why Ronnie couldn’t tell. Syn. Syn cared, but she never had to look for Ronnie, Syn just found her. Ronnie never had to say a thing and Syn knew, deep down she knew every detail.

Today Ronnie was in her own head. She got up and didn’t see stars. She woke up and saw trash. Honestly the past few days made a wreck of herself. She was practically caked in dirt and mud. Her hair was frizzy, tangled, and matted. Her eyes were blood shot from crying, and lack of sleep, and her face was smeared with blood. The blood? It’s from her arms which were often the victim when she was having weeks like this. She would scratch, dig, rip, shred her arms up. Pain helped her focus on reality. Both of her arms were a bright red, and scabbed over, a few of the newer ones were open and pink, still giving out drops of blood every once and awhile. Ronnie pulled herself into the shower and did her best to look normal again. She scrubbed all the mud and dirt off to the point where the water at her feet was brown. She got out and did her hair, looking down at her legs. Her knees and calfs were a dark purple from crawling everywhere. Ronnie didn’t want to scare Finn so she tugged on a pair of skinny jeans, followed by a white shirt that was supposed to cover up her arms. But the cotton rubbed her cuts and made them burn so she changed into a red tank top. She looked in the mirror and laughed at how her shirt matched her arms. Ronnie dug around in her bunk until under her pile of clothes, notes, and dead ant farms, she found a little teddy bear back pack. It rattled when she moved it. She put it on, slid on her monkey slippers and left.

Ronnie’s bus wasn’t far from Go. No. Stop!’s techie bus so the walk was quick. Ronnie rushed anyways. It was usually empty in the morning so Ronnie just pushed in. She had made it a habit to just walk in because it took Finn so long to stagger to the door. That, and these moments of sanity were so rare she was dying to get to him before it went away. She walked in and saw him. It was early so he wasn’t nearly as drunk as he usually is, but Finn was sprawled out on the sofa with a bottle of Gin, and bruise on his face from where she hit him.

Ronnie forced a smile and sat on the floor in front of him, avoiding eye contract but focusing hard on his hands. “I’m sorry I hit you” she said blankly. “It’s like a bad dream that I can’t really remember, and the more I try the less I can see it.” Ronnie didn’t want him to say anything so she grabbed her back pack and dumped it out on the floor. A shower of unopened pill bottles rained to the floor. Over thirty easily. “I’m crazy” She started. “I see and hear things that aren’t true, and they make me hurt people. These-“ she gestured at the pills, “are supposed to make me better. Since I was ten it was always ‘take with breakfast’ ‘don’t run’ ‘don’t lay down’ ‘ignore the dreams’ ‘expect the vomiting’ ‘don’t feel’” She shifted around clearly uncomfortable talking about this. “I never took them obviously. I used to hide them under my tongue before I went to school and spit them into a bush at the bus stop.” She paused knowing what came next in the story.

“Then I was fourteen and Mr. Sacks did something really bad.” Ronnie flashed back and felt her sanity slip. She felt that warm hand around her wrist, and the stale coffee smell in her nose. Her eyes rolled up, and she remembered being choked. She felt a little whimper come out of her lips, but felt no control over it. Ronnie stopped breathing and started at Finn, trying to cover up what was happening in her mind. She reacted quickly and dug her nails into a fresh cut, focused on nothing but the pain. Ronnie pulled herself back in, but it was like keeping water in your cupped hands and she knew it wasn’t going to last. But she was desperate. Ronnie focused hard on Finn. She looked at his eyes and kept going. “Then it was just more pills, because I never said anything but they all knew it got worse.” Her voice was shaking now and she seemed strained. “My mom stills sends me my pills every month. I never take them.” She could feel tears on her face but didn’t remember starting to cry. “Finn, they make me feel dead! I’m nothing with them. But without them…” She trailed off, and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry I hit you, and I’m sorry I asked you to hit me. I got scared because it was really bad and you never failed to pull me back in. You are my anchor. You make me want to be in reality.” She stopped, finally stopped. Ronnie was out of breath and clearly overly emotional. She looked up at Finn waiting for him to answer, but dreading his response.

words;; 1040
muse;; pretty damn good
notes;; sorry it's long

[FINN WILLIAM O'HARA,]

†YOU ARE THE FIRE†
on my apartment floor

†SIXTEEN STORIES UP†
i`d rather burn than fall

Finn wasn't quite sure. About anything. The previous night had been a hailstorm and he had a feeling that he might have done something incorrectly. Ronnie had no rhyme or reason, she appeared to be losing control and Finn didn't know what to do for her. She had asked him to hit her, but that was the last thing he wanted to do. His own face was sore and bruised from where she had laid him out. With a cigarette in his mouth Finn had lain on his bed above the covers, staring up at the ceiling trying to draw answer from it. He wanted so badly to help her, but he had not a single clue how.

Honestly, it seemed like the entire tour was falling apart. A handful of people had gotten busted, Selene went to the looney basket, Roxie got shot, Sonny got the shit kicked out of him, Aubree left. Finn felt like he was just floating in a lake filled with alligators, waiting for his turn to be pulled under.

At about 3am he gave up on sleeping and pulled out a bottle of whiskey, practically pouring it down his own throat. He put his cigarette out on the nightstand and tossed it on the floor. What the fuck did he care? Aubree wasn't around anymore, so he he basically an entire side of the bus to himself. Everyone else was sleeping. At 6, when he was decently intoxicated, Finn stumbled to the shower, turning the water on scalding hot and standing there for what felt like forever. Eventually he got out, dried off, got dressed and collapsed on the couch with a bottle of gin and some tonic. Not too long after, Ronnie came through the door and sat down on the floor.

"I’m sorry I hit you," she said, rummaging through her bag and pulling out a bottle of pills.

Her medication he assumed. She confirmed it a few seconds later, digging her arms and explaining their ups and downs. Finn frowned and rolled onto the floor next to her, holding her hands in his.

"Stop that, your arms are torn to shreds," he said, sounding like a concerned parent. "And I forgive you for hitting me, so we can just move on from that one. As for your medication..."

Finn broke off. Here was the part he had been dreading, the part where he had to tell her that he had no idea what to do for her. Then she would realize that he was no good and Ronnie would move on. Then Finn would be all alone again. However, to his relief Ronnie continued speaking, tears welling in her eyes.

"I’m sorry I hit you, and I’m sorry I asked you to hit me. I got scared because it was really bad and you never failed to pull me back in. You are my anchor. You make me want to be in reality.

Finn tilted his head to the side and surveyed her intently, taking a swig of his gin. He pushed a lock of her hair behind her ear and sighed, looking at the ground.

"I'm not very helpful. I'm not very smart either. I mean, I'm drunk all the time so I'm really not that good at anything either," he said quietly, actually reserved for once. He looked up and met her eyes with his, nodding resolutely. "But i can say that if you want me to, i'll stick around for as long as you need me. And we can take it one little step at a time.'

( OUTFIT ) [/b] ( HERE )[/color]
( WORDS ) ( 799 )
( TAGGED ) ( RONNIE )
( BANNER ) © BRYBERRY of caution 2.0
( LYRICS ) camera shy by school boy humor
( LAYOUT ) © BRYBERRY of caution 2.0
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[RONNIE LYNN ACKERMAN,]

Ronnie felt like dying as every word came out his mouth. None of them were bad, but they all felt they were smashing her. Like rocks hitting her chest. She knew he was about to leave her, and she knew that she would have to go back to her bus, and be alone. She wanted Syn, or Jonah. But both of them were the happiest fucking people alive and Ronnie hated bringing them down. She just sort of started at Finn as everything behind in blurred. Nothing was clear except him, and his eyes.

When he asked her to stop doing that to her arms she always hit him again. She could feel the anger flash over her face but bit her tongue hard to keep from saying any of it. It’s was her arm, and her skin. She could peal it off if she wanted too. She knew he had her best interest at heart, so she wasn’t going to ruin it. She wasn’t going to do anything to ruin this. So she stopped herself and calmed down.

Ronnie found it much easier to relax when touched her. His hand barely grazed her cheek but the she closed her eyes and leaned into his hand a little, she honestly just wanted him to touch her. He was the first time in days that felt warm. Not burning hot, but peacefully warm. The second his hand left she whimpered, and grabbed it roughly. She laced their fingers in an almost desperate way, she was trying to hold onto him.

Her eyes looked down when he started talking again, she didn’t feel angry this time. She was actually happy. She loved the things he was saying and they way he sounded. “No!” She started quickly right after he finished. “You aren’t dumb, you are so smart. Smart enough to know how you avoid all this bullshit that I’m stuck in. You drink, I talk to imaginary people. Youre so smart” She kissed his forhead lightly. “I love your head.” Ronnie held tighter to his hand, kind of scared of her question. “And what ‘steps’ do I have to take?” She asked.

words;; 390
muse;; not bad.
notes;; sorry it's late.

[FINN WILLIAM O'HARA,]

†YOU ARE THE FIRE†
on my apartment floor

†SIXTEEN STORIES UP†
i`d rather burn than fall

Everything about Ronnie made Finn feel like he wasn't half of a person any more. All his life he'd just stumbled along trying to find his way, trying to find someone to put him back together. Someone who was half like him. He didn't necessarily want it to be someone to have a relationship with, a friend who matched would have been nice. Good thing he didn't know where Ronnie fit into the equation, but Ronnie fit into him. She fit like that deranged puzzle piece he needed.

"“You aren’t dumb, you are so smart. Smart enough to know how you avoid all this bullshit that I’m stuck in," she replied, and he couldn't help but chuckle.

"I hate to break it to you, but I don't know a thing," he answered, furrowing his brow. "When you're dodging a bullet you either dive to the right or the left. There's no thinking, you just have to pick a side and you're either right or wrong. I'm just damn good at picking sides, but that's only because I've been dodging bullets my whole life."

Ronnie kissed his forehead and complimented his cranium, which always made Finn grin like a little kid with an ice cream. So he was a little stupid, but he liked his head and his weird hair, and the fact that Ronnie liked it as much as he did made him feel warm and fuzzy. Maybe that was the heartburn from the booze. Heh.

"What steps do I have to take?" she asked, and Finn wasn't really sure how to answer the question. So he shrugged his shoulders.

"You know what? Don't even worry about it. It'll be like a little girl dancing with her daddy. I'll let you stand on my feet and lead the way."

( OUTFIT ) [/b] ( HERE )[/color]
( WORDS ) ( 799 )
( TAGGED ) ( RONNIE )
( BANNER ) © BRYBERRY of caution 2.0
( LYRICS ) camera shy by school boy humor
( LAYOUT ) © BRYBERRY of caution 2.0
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[RONNIE LYNN ACKERMAN,]

Ronnie used his hand to pull herself into his lap. She felt like she needed to touch more of him at the moment. She didn’t even slightly release her death grip on his hand, but leaned into his chest and rested her head on his shoulder gently. “You can dodge, I mean I just sit there and keep going. Let the bullets hit me because I think it feels good. I wish I could drink like you.” Ronnie said eyeing his bottle. She didn’t want to drink because yes, that did make it worse, but she wanted something.

Ronnie grimaced slightly at the mention of a father but forced it into a smile. “Just don’t drop me, cause I’m tried of getting up.” She said her grip lightning a little bit. She felt close to breaking fingers so it was the best idea. “Sorry about your hand” she whispered kissing his fingers lightly. “I didn’t want you to run away.”

It was hard to Ronnie to know why she happy right now. Know why she actually felt sane for these few seconds. She knew that Finn was a bit part of it, he just made her feel the way normal girls were supposed to feel. That kind of jumpy, sweaty palms, sick feeling that people always say was good. She felt that was until he would touch her, or kiss her, and she would just relax. Everything had its place when she was with Finn. It’s strange that the biggest mess on this tour was able to put her back together.

Ronnie moved around in his lap she was facing him, and leans her forehead on his. “Just don’t tell anybody what I said to you, not even Jonah or Syn, or that Roxie girl you like so much.” Ronnie had her secrets for a reason. When people knew they acted like it was okay to be crazy but Ronnie craved the strange looks because it kept people away. Everything failed when people felt close to her. She leaned in and kissed him softly, sucking the alcohol taste off his lips. “Bitter” she breathed after pulling back a few inches.

words;; 360
muse;; pretty damn good
notes;;

[FINN WILLIAM O'HARA,]

†YOU ARE THE FIRE†
on my apartment floor

†SIXTEEN STORIES UP†
i`d rather burn than fall

As Ronnie pulled herself into Finn's lap, he smiled and his eyes went glassy the way they always did when he was drunk and having one of those mushy moments with Ronnie. She explained to him that she wasn't very good at dodging bullets and he nodded knowingly. He hadn't always been good at it. He hadn't always been good at drinking either, he'd just had a lot of practice.

"Practice makes perfect y'know," he replied with a grin as she fiddled with his hands. At one point she bent one of his fingers back and he winced, but let it go. "My hand is just dandy, don't you worry about that."

As she went on making him swear his secrecy, she brought up Roxie and the wheels in his head started turning. Then a lightbulb went off. Since getting so involved with Ronnie, he hadn't felt the aching pain that happened every time he thought about his ex girlfriend. True, he loved her to death, but only as a friend and close companion. He could never erase what they had, but he didn't miss their relationship anymore either. It had taken him until now to realize it?

"I won't tell a soul. And I swear I won't drop you. I could never drop you."

The last sentence dropped to a whisper and Finn looked down at his hands, which had suddenly become very interesting. Perhaps he was trying to avoid the intimacy, but he knew it would come sooner or later. Perhaps that was the exchange for being over Roxie, feeling that familiar "we're getting in too deep" burning with Ronnie. But he liked it, and he didn't want to let it go either.

( OUTFIT ) [/b] ( HERE )[/color]
( WORDS ) ( 799 )
( TAGGED ) ( RONNIE )
( BANNER ) © BRYBERRY of caution 2.0
( LYRICS ) camera shy by school boy humor
( LAYOUT ) © BRYBERRY of caution 2.0
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[RONNIE LYNN ACKERMAN,]

Ronnie nuzzled his neck lightly. She knew that Finn wasn’t the kind to cuddle very often. Normally her being too close meant the booze being too far away. And Ronnie didn’t really mind that much either. Finn was better far away normally. Mostly because unless there was sex involved Ronnie didn’t liked to be touched very often either. Ronnie and Finn where pretty much always separated by the bottle and it was really nice for her actually. It was a boundary that made he feel more comfortable. With alcohol was around Finn never focused on her, she was safe to act strange because he didn’t really see her.

“I have something to aspire to be” she said tapping on the bottle lightly. Ronnie smiled a little and laced their fingers together paying extra attention to being gentle with his hand. “I don’t wanna break you. You can’t take pictures without fingers.” Ronnie had never actually seen any of Finn’s pictures, they hardly ever talked about work, but she assumed they had to be of decent quality.

“It’s just I don’t want people to make me take any pills. I really hate them, Finn. And you do things that aren’t good for you all the time so you have to understand that I just can’t do it.” She was talking fast again and kind of rambling. “If I take them you’ll hate me because I get all grumpy and normal, and overly focused.” Ronnie had been blowing off her issue since she was a kid and facing it now was pretty much out of the question. She would leave the tour before she took pills again.

Ronnie saw him look away at his hands and she didn’t like it. She didn’t want Finn to be anywhere else but with her right now. Ronnie put her hand on his cheek and pulls his face back to look at her. “Stop” she said, forcing eye contact on him.

words;; 360
muse;; pretty damn good
notes;;

[FINN WILLIAM O'HARA,]

†YOU ARE THE FIRE†
on my apartment floor

†SIXTEEN STORIES UP†
i`d rather burn than fall

Finn wrapped his arms around Ronnie's shoulders as she cuddled into his neck, carefully holding the bottle of booze between his middle and ring fingers. He had become skilled at holding bottles and performing other tasks, as any drunk should. So what if it was his label- there were worse. A frown tugged at the corner of his mouth as Ronnie let go of his fingers for a split second. The contact made him realize that it was real. But only moments later her fingers were intertwined with his again, this time more gently.

“I don’t wanna break you. You can’t take pictures without fingers.” she said, smiling vacantly up at him like she always did. He grinned at her and shrugged in his usual playful manner.

"My hands are pretty tough, and if they break I can always get one of those voice activated cameras or something. I'm sure i could find one," he chuckled, blowing a piece of her hair out of his mouth.

Her voice dropped lower as she told him about the pills again. Finn was fully aware that Ronnie hated them, and he knew the feeling of having to take them. His mother made him take medicine for ADHD when he was smaller and Roxie used to have to take medication for her temper. No drug was a good drug, unless it was alcohol. Although the pills would make Ronnie function properly in society, neither Ronnie nor Finn really wanted her too. Finn liked the way she was different and slightly crazy. It made him feel at home. So he made an X over his heart and looked her in the eyes.

"I promise I will never make you take your pills if you don't want to. I'm not your mom."

She became slightly upset with him when he looked down at his hands, but Finn could understand why. He had broken eye contact with her and become detached for a moment, which wasn't good for either of them. So he took another sip out of the bottle gingerly perched between his fingers and smiled at her dazedly.

"Thanks for catching me."

( OUTFIT ) [/b] ( HERE )[/color]
( WORDS ) ( 799 )
( TAGGED ) ( RONNIE )
( BANNER ) © BRYBERRY of caution 2.0
( LYRICS ) camera shy by school boy humor
( LAYOUT ) © BRYBERRY of caution 2.0
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