hate [Aer] that i l o v e you so

[CLOUD STRIFE,]

Cloud shuffled somberly along, staring at his feet as he went, wishing the ground wasn't so muddy so that his converse soles remained black rather than an uneven shade of brown. The shoes were expensive, as were the black skinny jeans he was wearing, which were also covered in mud at the bottoms. As he looked around the venue, he saw that most people suffered this problem. There was also the odd person that was wearing shorts, and Cloud pulled a face. They must have been freezing; the weather was cold and it had been pouring down with rain not long ago.

He didn't really fit in with the crowd around this area. They all seemed to be wearing shirts with peace signs on them, or some organic-looking clothes. He took a guess that It's All Love were on stage right then. He looked to the stands near-by and saw that he was correct, as the merch had some weird hippy things on them. That was very stereotypical of him, but he couldn't help but categorize them like that. Most people put him into the 'emo' category, so surely he had the right to section other people too.

The ground was soft, and his designer shoes had little grip, so he was sliding around a little. He hoped that nobody saw him slipping like a fool, it'd be a bit embarrassing, even if it was somebody who he'd never see again. Any form of humiliation was bad.

Cloud saw a few signs propped against a post with 'love' written on them in big writing. He knew that he probably shouldn't, since it was for a band other than his own, of course, but he pulled out his camera. It just looked very original, and all part of the atmosphere of touring. He tended to pull his camera out for most things nowadays, but most pictures didn't turn out well. Maybe these wouldn't. That was just what it was like to be a photographer.

He crouched down, holding his camera out in front of him and snapping at the signs from different heights and angles, hoping that some would turn out nicely. He could photoshop them if not, but he didn't like using that too much unless he wanted a dramatic edit or scene change.

Cloud stood up again, and scowled at the squelching sound. He'd forgotten about the muddy floor and had consequently put his knee in it. His jeans had a rip in them, so most of it had hit his skin anyway, but some hit his jeans. Yeah it was uncomfortable on his skin, but definitely not as traumatic as ruining his jeans. They were a really good pair of jeans, and now he looked like a complete idiot. He picked a slightly dirty shirt up that had been lying on the floor next to him and used it to rub the most of the mud off him. You could still see it, but not as badly. And now that shirt was even more ruined than it had been before. He hoped that nobody wanted it. It was a band t shirt from a different band, so it was unlikely that they did, especially not since it was slightly damp already.

He put his camera back inside the pocket of his blazer. He seemed to be very attracted to blazer's recently, and this one was black, like most of his clothes, and very tight-fitting. He was showing off his skinny figure as usual. He was proud of being fairly skinny, since he was actually quite strong too beneath it. He had to work out a lot to retain the small amount of muscle he though, which was a slight down-side.

He walked further on, pushing through rather a large crowd of people, all giggling hysterically, most with some form of alcoholic drink in their hand. They did not look twenty one, so he expected they'd get aught soon at kicked out. Stupid kids, as usual..

When he'd emerged from the wall of underage drinkers, he caught sight of Aer. His heart gave that annoying little jump that it always did when he saw her. He suddenly felt really conscious of the mud on him, although he'd rubbed most of it off and she probably wouldn't even notice it. He waved at her, rather shyly, with a hand with skeleton gloves on. She wouldn't see the bones on his gloves, since they were on the top, and she could only see his palm.

Cloud began to walk towards her, smiling at her, the expression coming more from his eyes than his lips. He didn't smile very often, but right now he was happy to see Aer, he just tried to hide it. He probably shouldn't be talking to her, since she probably knew that he still loved her despite the fact they'd agreed to be just friends. But he found it so hard to stay away, it was almost as if she was a magnet pulling him towards her. He wanted that magnetic pull to go away, but as hard as he tried, it wouldn't. He expected she'd met somebody else much better than him to be with, but he hadn't. He didn't think that he ever would, really. She was the only girl for him..

He was now only about a meter away from her, and couldn't help but admire her long blonde hair and endless eyes. She was beautiful. "Hey," he said, trying not to sound as breathless as he felt. "How are you?" He had to try hard not to reach out and take her hand, or press his lips against hers. It really hurt at times like these when he knew things weren't the same as they used to be. But he had to deal with it and move on. "You look beautiful today." He clamped his lips together after that and decided to let her doing the talking a bit. He shouldn't have complimented her like that, but it was too hard. Maybe he was over-analyzing things and she'd only take it as an innocent compliment. But how likely was that? Not very.

If only he could move on.

Words: 1081
Outfit: Click! (Use your imagination on the converse and ripped knees )
Muse: Good for once.
Tagged: Aer
Music: Robot Boy - Linkin Park, The Of Ink - The Used, Lips Of An Angel - Hinder, Saints And Sailors - Dashboard Confessional, The Morticians Daughter - Black Veil Brides.
Notes: Really sorry for typos and babbling here.. God knows what sort of crap I wrote down. LOL, changed the name of this thread! For some reason it was like 'sdg' or something. xD

[AERYN MARIANA LIONFORD,]

It wasn’t exactly the most beautiful day outside, but Aeryn could deal with a little cold and rain. If she could deal with running around barely clothed even in snowy weather in the past, then she was quite sure that she’d be fine in a pair of black skinny jeans and a soft grey sweatshirt that snugly fitted over her thin figure. Her outfit wasn’t necessarily fancy, nor was anything designer, but it couldn’t be helped. There was no way she could fit an entirely new wardrobe into her list of things to spend money on when her income was hardly enough to pay for her bare necessities, but in the moments she could afford to spoil herself a bit, she didn’t want to spend it all on an overpriced piece of clothing. She as quite sure that at the moment, she must’ve looked even messier than usual, since mud caked the soles of her shoes and threatened to dirty up her jeans, but there was no way to avoid such a situation. She wasn’t Mother Nature, nor did she have any sort of supernatural ability to control the weather, but honestly, it wasn’t too big of a deal. She had to wash the laundry piling up in her small apartment floor anyway, and an extra pair of jeans wouldn’t kill her or anything.

Seeing as she had the day to do whatever she pleased, the blonde had been letting seconds and minutes of her life tick away as she listened to each of the bands that were part of the tour she somehow found herself a part of. It was hard to really accept that after nearly a decade of life in no where but New York, she would actually be packing up and travelling a bit. Since her parents’ divorce, money had been hard to come across, so she never enjoyed the luxury of vacations as a child, and it was something she naturally got used to because pouting and throwing a tantrum wouldn’t get her any sort of vacation. Now she was a roadie for a band called Barbie the Dyke, and while she knew she would be a bit homesick, it was mostly overshadowed by a sense of anticipation. Being confined to the same old little city for so many years tended to build up curiosity as to what life in other places was like. While she had whined and complained quite a bit to her older cousin about how life on the road wasn’t her thing, she was actually quite grateful now that she was given the chance.

Curious of what else surrounded her, Aeryn allowed her light blue eyes wander, taking in the scenery. She had always preferred a party scene over concerts, but she had to admit that it was amusing to see fans gather together to scream and shriek over whichever band they coveted. Her gaze rested on a group of teens who held bottles of alcohol in their hands. They certainly didn’t look as if they were of the legal age, though she would be a hypocrite if she attempted to scold them for underage drinking. She had her fair share of drinking and getting wasted on a combination of beer and questionable drugs as a teenager, and really, it was what happened to people on the party scene. It started out as having some innocent music, but things always escalated into more reckless experiences. She knew was it was like because the same thing happened to her once the pressured cranked up in her life.

The dancer was a bit surprised when a familiar face emerged, and she smiled lightly as she watched Cloud make his way through the drinkers. He gave her a wave which she energetically returned with a cheerful smile set on her lips. She didn’t like to admit it, but sometimes she had to force the happiness in her expression. It wasn’t as if she disliked him and acting happy was a tedious task, but it was the fact that they had dated and broken up that made her a bit sad sometimes. She knew that he had never been the happiest person on the Earth, but that was something she could understand. Whenever they were together, he would show her a small smile, and even if she could see more joy in his eyes than his lips, she did always love that smile. It suited him, and sometimes she could pretend that it was reserved just for her. Perhaps they weren’t a couple anymore, but they were still friends. It had actually been her idea, and she couldn’t lie. She regretted her decision sometimes.

It wasn’t so much that she still loved him; rather, it was more like Cloud was someone she would never forget. There was no denying that he would always be in possession of a piece of her heart, but there was no happily ever after for them. He was, after all, someone who fished her out of the dark abyss she managed to lose herself in. In certain ways, he was like her Superman, and she would never forget that. He had reassured her that she was lovable when she was sure that she was only despicable, protecting her from past insecurities that would sink its claws deep into her mind. It was after meeting him that she finally found some sort of motivation to work on improving herself and getting herself out of the rut she stuck herself in, and maybe she thought it was love at first sight back then, she knew that it wasn’t the case once she really looked back on how she felt toward him. She liked him a lot, but like wasn’t love. Being his girlfriend had been fun, but Aeryn knew that she could never return his love quite so easily, no matter how much she wanted to. It would have taken her years to really begin loving him, and that one little fact tore her up on the inside because he deserved a girl who wouldn’t make him wait. It was that sort of mindset that caused her initiation of their break-up, and even though she still felt the attraction between them, she would never act on it because he was too good for her.

When Cloud was finally within reach, Aeryn had to refrain from hugging him like she often did in the past. It would be too awkward, since the break-up still felt fresh. There was a flicker of doubt over whether or not being just friends was a good decision, but she quickly suppressed the stray emotion, unwilling to lose herself in impulses. Toning down her smile a bit, she replied, “I’ve been doing well. What about you?”
His compliment had been unexpected, but she nonetheless began blushing, and she knew that she was from the way her cheeks heated up slightly, but she told herself that it was just him being nice. He always had been kind. She didn’t want to believe that he still loved her, even though she had her suspicions. She couldn’t bear the knowledge that he was hurting because of her though. Brushing away a lock of gold from her face, she quietly said, “Thank you. You look really handsome, but when don’t you?” While her statement was true, what she really wanted to do was apologize. She really never meant to hurt him, and she wanted him to know, but that meant putting him on the spot. She couldn’t do that. It was already bad enough that she broke his heart.

Note: Psh, I babble and go off on random tangents, so no worries. Besides, I loved your post! And yeah, the thread title used to be some random letters. xD

[CLOUD STRIFE,]

“I’ve been doing well. What about you?” Aer said, speaking in that same angelic voice that she always did. It seemed to ring like bells, hanging in the air for moments after she'd said anything. Maybe it was just her words repeating themselves over in his head after she'd spoken, as though he could make them last for longer that way.

Aer looked cheerful, as usual, and her wave contained a lot of energy. Much more than Cloud's did, anyway. He sort of wished that he could be more like her, but for some reason he just.. couldn't. He didn't know how to appear happy, it was just too hard. He did try to look as happy as he possibly could, but he never seemed to have enough energy to behave like she did, so his actions always looked relaxed and sort of.. dead.

"I've been fine. Just.. you know." He held his camera up lazily, looking down at it and forcing a smile. "Taking pictures, as usual. Never really gets boring." He sighed. It was sometimes sort of boring when he wanted to be doing something else. Like being with Aer. But that just wasn't possible, was it? Especially with her life that was obviously busy and so much better than his.. like everybody else's life. Why couldn't he just be normal?

“Thank you. You look really handsome, but when don’t you?”

Cloud smiled, and at the same time his brows furrowed, and his heart gave that familiar little squeezy kick. It was words like this that reminded him of how it had been when they were together. Things were so amazing. He wanted that back. He didn't want this annoying pain and burning desire to be with her again. Just to kiss her. Not even that, just to talk to her again like they used to.

"When I have mud all over my favourite jeans and converse." He gestured down his his knees, wondering why he'd even mentioned it. She probably hadn't noticed the state he was in until he pointed it out, and now he looked like a fool. "I'm such a douche.. that's what happens when you kneel in mud to take photos." He shrugged as though that would hide his embarrassment. "You look beautiful, too, by the way." More beautiful than any girl he'd ever set eyes upon before. He didn't speak those words, but he longed to say them again. He longed for their relationship to repeat itself, but this time without the break-up. She only thought of him as a friend, and he needed to accept that. But it was just too hard when he knew that there would never be any other girl in the world that he would love as much as Aeryn.

"I-I.. umm.." He bit down hard on his tongue, trying to stop himself from stuttering, and searching his mind for something to say. Anything. He just wanted the conversation to last more than five minutes.. please. "So it's cold today, right..?" He nodded awkwardly, mentally kicking himself for sounding like such an idiot. "I mean.. I can't wait for it to be Summer again. Being on tour in winter isn't as nice. But the clothes are better, at least I get to wear jackets." Cloud hoped this had relieved some of the awkwardness in the air.

Regardless of what he was saying, and how well their conversation was going, there was only one thing that he wanted to say to Aer. Just three simple words, eight simple letters. A phrase that was definitely over-used, and that would never ever express how he truly felt. No words could explain it. No actions could, either. Nothing could. Besides, he couldn't express it in either of those ways now. Aer had made it very clear that she only thought of him as a friend. He couldn't blame her; Cloud didn't think that he was very easily loved. He was too shy and awkward, and he messed almost everything up. Obviously, nobody would ever return his feelings..

Words: 702. Frickin' short, sorry.
Outfit: Click! (Use your imagination on the converse and ripped knees )
Muse: Average..
Tagged: Aer
Music: Dang, I forgot to put it on my 'Cloud' playlist. Current song: Poppin' Champagne - All Time Low, though..
Notes: This actually sucks so bad it's ridiculous. It was one of those like.. wooden posts, where everything just comes out and I kept getting interrupted so probably repeated everything. I may have him tell her how he feels soon, just so that there's some actual content in the post rather than Cloud just trying to make some conversation out of commenting on the weather.. :L

[AERYN MARIANA LIONFORD,]

It was so hard sometimes. Aeryn wanted to act like she didn't care, that she had moved on and no longer had enough love in her heart to notice when Cloud was unhappy. But it was hard, and for someone who preferred not to take on challenges, hard meant impossible. He wasn't okay, and maybe he was never the happiest person in the world, but he seemed so much more miserable nowadays. She wanted to hold his hand and press her lips against his, reassuring him that the two could be happy together, but she couldn't. They weren't together anymore, and it would be terrible for her to act so affectionately if she was just faking love. It didn't stop her from wishing though. She hated that she felt more pity and guilt over genuine love. She wanted to love him with all of her heart, wanted to make it so that it was just Cloud and Aeryn and Aeryn and Cloud, and not just two individuals who used to have something meaningful between them. There was the aching desire to make him crack a genuine smile, even if it was just a teeny, tiny one, and she wanted to be sincere when she told herself that she would do anything for him if it meant that he would be happy. It was a lie though. She often told herself that he didn't want her anymore, that he was content with just friendship, but that was a lie, too. He wanted them to be more, and on the inside, she knew it even if she would never say so.

The blonde was tempted to just let her mouth run because maybe she could impulsively blurt out a suggestion for them to get back together, and then she would have to follow through with her word because she could never take them back after hurting him once. Then they’d be together, and she’d learn to love him, and he would be happy with her, and perhaps they would have a happily ever after with each other. She wasn’t tactless though. Making him wait was unfair and going through with half-baked plans never resulted in anything good. She learned that the hard way.

While Aeryn was happy about having matured, sometimes she wondered if the price had been worth paying. She had sincerely loved him when they first got together, but since breaking up, she occasionally questioned if perhaps losing Cloud was part of some sort of bargain she had to complete in order to leave behind the old her. She was desperate and lonely back then, and she was scared of being alone, and then he showed up, offering some sanctuary from all that isolation. He wasn't the bright, optimistic ball of sunshine most people imagined when she stated that he saved her in her moment of darkness, but she never wanted a cheery person to make attempts at brightening up her life. She had wanted someone to share her sorrows with, and there he was. She wished she had an explanation for why she didn’t love him anymore because if there was a rational reason, then maybe she wouldn’t feel so guilty.

Her first love had been a certain Lucas Rowland who suddenly left her behind when she had needed someone to keep her from drowning in her sorrows, but she didn't hate him for leaving because then she met Cloud. The dark haired photographer had been her second love, and he was the one who taught her how to really love someone, and he was the one who pulled her away from the brink of depression, and maybe that was a mistake. Letting her recover from old wounds meant letting her leave behind the miserable state that she had been in when the two got together, and there had never been the reassurance that she still knew how to love him if she wasn't a self-destructive party girl yearning for comfort. Sometimes she hated herself for letting the love fade with her depression. Nonetheless, how was she supposed to ask him to wait? How could she ever tell him that she had been selfish and had given away his heart in order to get what she wanted? It already sounded bad enough when she said it to herself. She didn’t want to know how much worse it would be when the words hung heavily in the air because she decided to vocalize them.

When Cloud pointed out the mud clinging to his clothing, the blonde offered a sympathetic smile. So perhaps his clothing was a bit dirty, but she still thought he looked handsome like always, and really, she didn't think it was possible for him to even border on looking decent. He always had been far above average in her eyes, and she was quite sure that he always would be, and hopefully knowing that she thought in such a way would reassure him that mud didn't do much in affecting how she saw him. She frowned slightly as he put himself down and replied, "Cloud! You are not a douche! You’re an absolute sweetheart! And, okay, so maybe you're not squeaky clean at the moment, but neither am I. You're still handsome though." She gestured to the mud that had begun to cake the hem of her jeans .

"You look beautiful, too, by the way."

Aeryn felt a light blush graze over her cheeks as she replied almost shyly, "Thank you." So there wasn't any love anymore, but his effect on her with a mere few words of flattery was still enough to make her nearly glow with a sense of happiness.

The conversation had lost its lightheartedness when they seemed to run out of things to speak about. He had resorted to talking about weather, and though it was obviously a strain to continue the conversation, she didn't want it all to end on a sour note. She attempted to make the awkwardness lessen by offering warm smile as she replied, "I've never really minded the cold, but summer is definitely the best. There's no yucky mud and humidity to ruin things." It wasn't what she yearned to tell him though. It would have been so simple to sum up everything into two words of apology, but she didn't want to make things worse by letting him know that she knew that their relationship was strained and communication was awkward, and she knew that he was probably hoping that she wouldn't notice because she knew how he could be, just like how he understood how she used to function before she changed.

'I'm sorry.'

But she couldn't make the words form in her mouth.

WORDS: 1,119
NOTES: I liked your post, and it kind of suits how the two are awkward at the moment. You can go ahead and have him tell her how he feels if you want though. She hasn't really gotten together with Luke yet, so she has a little more wriggle room with her feelings. And I just edited the post, but it still isn't all that much better. i apologize! :'D [/size]