Post by ROXANNA SKYLER MOXIE, on Apr 14, 2011 1:00:31 GMT -5
Couldn't sleep. Wrote this up til I got sleepy. Might continue it, might not. A bunch of people are mentioned, so you might as well give it a look. jeez. :]
I lay my head down in my bunk with a dismal sigh. It had been four straight days since Brodee had spoken to me, but I wasn't complaining. It was better than him breaking up with me, and I had certainly earned it. He had forgiven me once for kissing Gabriel, then I went and got high and slept with him. I'd gone from being one of the only respectable girls left on tour to being an utter and complete shitbag. The thing was that I knew exactly what I'd done and I knew I deserved everything that was being handed to me. I would take my punishment without being a brat about it, and cross my fingers in the hopes that Brodee would soon come around.
Aubree was pissed at me, obviously, and too busy with Sonny- who was also not speaking to me since he "told me so"- to really listen to what I had to say anyway. At least I had Aer and, oddly enough, Chelsea for company. My immense dislike for the hyperactive girl had dissipated last time I'd had a run in with Gabriel, when Chelsea and Aer had been the only ones to offer any remote support. I supposed that by now everyone had given up on me. After all, I really was a privileged and lucky girl, with a wonderful, attractive and practically perfect boyfriend and the reign of a queen on the tour. However, I also had a fantastic talent at destroying everything that was good for me. Starting with Brodee and resulting in the casting of me crown, now I was laying facedown sober on the tour bus, trying to ignore the fact that I was lonely and desperately missed the warmth of my boyfriend's body next to me. It was no use. I had to be tough all day, put on a poker face like I was taking my punishment as well as possible. At night I either got drunk or high so I could pass out without having to think much about it. Tonight was a different story.
Every day that passed made it harder. Everything hurt. Every atom in me body, every tissue, every bone. Every beat of my heart was like a sledgehammer against my ribs. Every breath felt like a massive hand constricting her lungs. Finally I curled up in a ball wearing only a pair of panties and one of the t-shirts he'd left for me ages ago, clutching his oversized hoodie to my body and trying to disappear into it. Tears streamed down my cheeks and I tried to be quiet, but small cries of agony still escaped. Luckily everyone was passed out drunk on this friday night. Eventually I just cried myself into exhaustion and passed out.
The next morning as the light slanted through the shades on the bus, I felt feeling like I'd been hit by a bus the night before. The blankets were thrown off the bed and there was a dampness on the pillow from where tears had previously soaked it. Something was moving outside the bed's small curtain.
"Roxie, are you up?" came Finn's voice. He had made a routine of checking on me since I'd tried to drink myself into oblivion.
"Yeah," I replied blankly.
"Are you coming out to the signing today?"
"No, I'm just gonna stay here."
"Okay, well shoot me a text if you need anything."
With this I heard him make for the door, pause, then leave. I sighed and breathed in the scent of his cologne. A hideous pang went through my stomach and I suddenly felt as if I were going to be sick. He didn't love me anymore and he certainly didn't want me. I didn't want to see Gabriel, I didn't want to see Finn, I didn't want to see any of the boys that I knew would gladly take his place. I heard my mother's voice reverberating in my head: "Roxie, there are plenty of other fish in the sea."
Yeah, but I wanted that fish.
Today I was giving up. No poker face, no putting on airs, no acting like I was okay. I was emotionally exhausted and had no room for being a hard ass. Today was for hiding and feeling miserable. Going out didn't even occur to me. What was the point of doing anything without the king, my better half? I couldn't even wander the grounds because all I could think about was the first time we'd hooked up on the picnic table, and Brodee had complained about splinters. Yeah, I was being a pussy. But after four days and five nights of the silent treatment from the only person who really matters, anybody would develop a few cracks in the wall.
Getting up, I ruffled my hair and sighed, doing the same thing I'd done for five mornings now. I opened the bus fridge and stared at the food inside, not touching anything and shutting the door with a shrug. Instead I put on a pot of coffee and took a long, cold shower. It was like I was putting myself on autopilot and shrinking into my own head. Who knew that things would ever get this bad?
You brought it upon yourself. that voice in my head reminded me.
"I know, I know," I said out loud, almost like I was trying to reassure myself. I did know. I really did.
After the shower I poured a cup of coffee and checked my phone for messages. Usually there was one from Chelsea or Aer asking how I was feeling, but today there was nothing. They had probably expected to see me at the signing. Instead there was one from... Calico?
FROM: Calico[/font]
"Let me save you; hold this rope. Cause I am an anchor, sinking her."[/color][/size]
I cocked my head to the side, getting the idea but not really understanding where it came from. Not even a moment later there was a gentle tap at my door. Wrapping a bathrobe around myself, I peered through the curtains. There he was, wearing a pair of ridiculous sunglasses and a warm smile. I'd never spoken in too much detail with him except for that time we'd wandered the carnival at the pier. He was probably one of the only guys that Brodee trusted me with. I didn't blame him for that.
"Hey, you gonna let me in or just stare at me through the window?" his always happy voice boomed.
I made no expression and opened the door. There he was, holding a styrofoam food container and a set of checkers. My eyebrows practically raised into my hairline and I adjusted my bathrobe again, backing up so he could come in. He seated himself at the table and opened the container, pushing it at me.
"I heard you haven't eaten. Here," he said, setting the checkers on the table and pulling a deck of cards out of his pocket as well. "I wasn't sure what you liked, so I just brought over a bunch of stuff. I'm not gonna watch you waste away."
I furrowed my brows at him and sipped my coffee, peering at the food with interest. Only now did I notice my stomach growling as the enticing aroma wafter through the room. He'd brought pancakes and sausages, along with scrambled eggs and some toast with jam. Well done Calico, well done. He even handed me a plastic fork and started setting up checkers.
"Why aren't you at the signing?" I asked, my voice a little hoarse from lack of use. He looked pleased as I speared some egg and shoved it into my mouth.
"None of the band is. Gabriel doesn't want to do it because he's still got a nasty black eye from Brodee and his ribs are killing him- serves him right," he added, raising his eyebrows at me. I felt a pang of hurt in my own chest. "Melrose was going to, but Justyn threw a fit because he was hungover and didn't want to do anything either. So we all just decided to sit out on it. Question is, why aren't you at the signing?"
I frowned and avoided speaking by shoving a whole sausage link in my mouth. Food was definitely missed, although my appetite would probably leave with Calico. He smiled comfortingly and nodded as I stood up and poured him a cup of coffee as well.
"Not so easy being the bad guy, is it?" he asked, making the first move on the checkerboard as I sat down and handed him the steaming beverage. "Even harder keeping a straight face about it, I bet."
"You have no idea," I blurted before I could stop myself. Blushing, I moved my checker and fiddled with my hands. Calico grinned.
"Yeah, I figured as much. This is why I follow the oldschool rules. I may look like no fun sometimes, but it saves me a hell of a lot of hurt in the end- not to mention whoever I'm dating. I'm not tryna be a smart ass, but you'll never see me in a relationship that fails because of me. If I end up not being into a girl, I let her down easy. Otherwise I spend my time making sure the relationship works."
"I'm starting to think I'm simply incapable," I snorted as he moved. He rolled his eyes.
"Hardly. You're probably one of the only ones who isn't incapable. Why do you think I'm here?"
"Because you're brutally nice?" I replied with a shrug. He laughed cheerfully.
"Well that, but because I like you. I think you're a good person. You make a lot of stupid decisions and you like to mess around with drugs, which isn't really my scene, but..."
Calico reached forward and put his hand on my heart, with no ill intent, looking me in the eyes seriously.
"You've got a good one of these. And nobody likes to see that go to waste."
I frowned and sniffed, moving my piece and then looking at the ground. He sighed and took a sip of his coffee.
"You're always this stubborn, aren't you?" he asked as I stuffed more food into my face
I nodded as he jumped one of my pieces and smirked triumphantly. Looking up, I saw him grinning and holding up the piece. He flicked his fingers and the checker disappeared into thin air. I stared at the spot where it had been in his hands with surprise.
"Your friends are gonna start disappearing too if you don't give a little," he stated, taking a look at his phone. "Aw man, Justyn's an idiot and can't dismantle a drumset himself. I gotta go. Maybe I'll be back later."
Calico stood up and kissed me on the top of the head, leaving the cards but picking up the checkers. As he disappeared out the door, he turned around and smiled brightly like he always did.
"Text me, okay? Being alone sucks. Trust me."
And with this he disappeared out the door and left me with my knees to my chest, finishing up my breakfast. How strange, but reassuring.
I may never sleep tonight.
As long as you're still burning bright.
If I could trade mistakes for sheep,
Count me away before you sleep.
So I'll stay awake 'til I trade my mistakes or they fade away.
As long as you're still burning bright.
If I could trade mistakes for sheep,
Count me away before you sleep.
So I'll stay awake 'til I trade my mistakes or they fade away.
I lay my head down in my bunk with a dismal sigh. It had been four straight days since Brodee had spoken to me, but I wasn't complaining. It was better than him breaking up with me, and I had certainly earned it. He had forgiven me once for kissing Gabriel, then I went and got high and slept with him. I'd gone from being one of the only respectable girls left on tour to being an utter and complete shitbag. The thing was that I knew exactly what I'd done and I knew I deserved everything that was being handed to me. I would take my punishment without being a brat about it, and cross my fingers in the hopes that Brodee would soon come around.
Aubree was pissed at me, obviously, and too busy with Sonny- who was also not speaking to me since he "told me so"- to really listen to what I had to say anyway. At least I had Aer and, oddly enough, Chelsea for company. My immense dislike for the hyperactive girl had dissipated last time I'd had a run in with Gabriel, when Chelsea and Aer had been the only ones to offer any remote support. I supposed that by now everyone had given up on me. After all, I really was a privileged and lucky girl, with a wonderful, attractive and practically perfect boyfriend and the reign of a queen on the tour. However, I also had a fantastic talent at destroying everything that was good for me. Starting with Brodee and resulting in the casting of me crown, now I was laying facedown sober on the tour bus, trying to ignore the fact that I was lonely and desperately missed the warmth of my boyfriend's body next to me. It was no use. I had to be tough all day, put on a poker face like I was taking my punishment as well as possible. At night I either got drunk or high so I could pass out without having to think much about it. Tonight was a different story.
Every day that passed made it harder. Everything hurt. Every atom in me body, every tissue, every bone. Every beat of my heart was like a sledgehammer against my ribs. Every breath felt like a massive hand constricting her lungs. Finally I curled up in a ball wearing only a pair of panties and one of the t-shirts he'd left for me ages ago, clutching his oversized hoodie to my body and trying to disappear into it. Tears streamed down my cheeks and I tried to be quiet, but small cries of agony still escaped. Luckily everyone was passed out drunk on this friday night. Eventually I just cried myself into exhaustion and passed out.
The next morning as the light slanted through the shades on the bus, I felt feeling like I'd been hit by a bus the night before. The blankets were thrown off the bed and there was a dampness on the pillow from where tears had previously soaked it. Something was moving outside the bed's small curtain.
"Roxie, are you up?" came Finn's voice. He had made a routine of checking on me since I'd tried to drink myself into oblivion.
"Yeah," I replied blankly.
"Are you coming out to the signing today?"
"No, I'm just gonna stay here."
"Okay, well shoot me a text if you need anything."
With this I heard him make for the door, pause, then leave. I sighed and breathed in the scent of his cologne. A hideous pang went through my stomach and I suddenly felt as if I were going to be sick. He didn't love me anymore and he certainly didn't want me. I didn't want to see Gabriel, I didn't want to see Finn, I didn't want to see any of the boys that I knew would gladly take his place. I heard my mother's voice reverberating in my head: "Roxie, there are plenty of other fish in the sea."
Yeah, but I wanted that fish.
Today I was giving up. No poker face, no putting on airs, no acting like I was okay. I was emotionally exhausted and had no room for being a hard ass. Today was for hiding and feeling miserable. Going out didn't even occur to me. What was the point of doing anything without the king, my better half? I couldn't even wander the grounds because all I could think about was the first time we'd hooked up on the picnic table, and Brodee had complained about splinters. Yeah, I was being a pussy. But after four days and five nights of the silent treatment from the only person who really matters, anybody would develop a few cracks in the wall.
Getting up, I ruffled my hair and sighed, doing the same thing I'd done for five mornings now. I opened the bus fridge and stared at the food inside, not touching anything and shutting the door with a shrug. Instead I put on a pot of coffee and took a long, cold shower. It was like I was putting myself on autopilot and shrinking into my own head. Who knew that things would ever get this bad?
You brought it upon yourself. that voice in my head reminded me.
"I know, I know," I said out loud, almost like I was trying to reassure myself. I did know. I really did.
After the shower I poured a cup of coffee and checked my phone for messages. Usually there was one from Chelsea or Aer asking how I was feeling, but today there was nothing. They had probably expected to see me at the signing. Instead there was one from... Calico?
NEW TEXT MESSAGE!
FROM: Calico[/font]
"Let me save you; hold this rope. Cause I am an anchor, sinking her."[/color][/size]
I cocked my head to the side, getting the idea but not really understanding where it came from. Not even a moment later there was a gentle tap at my door. Wrapping a bathrobe around myself, I peered through the curtains. There he was, wearing a pair of ridiculous sunglasses and a warm smile. I'd never spoken in too much detail with him except for that time we'd wandered the carnival at the pier. He was probably one of the only guys that Brodee trusted me with. I didn't blame him for that.
"Hey, you gonna let me in or just stare at me through the window?" his always happy voice boomed.
I made no expression and opened the door. There he was, holding a styrofoam food container and a set of checkers. My eyebrows practically raised into my hairline and I adjusted my bathrobe again, backing up so he could come in. He seated himself at the table and opened the container, pushing it at me.
"I heard you haven't eaten. Here," he said, setting the checkers on the table and pulling a deck of cards out of his pocket as well. "I wasn't sure what you liked, so I just brought over a bunch of stuff. I'm not gonna watch you waste away."
I furrowed my brows at him and sipped my coffee, peering at the food with interest. Only now did I notice my stomach growling as the enticing aroma wafter through the room. He'd brought pancakes and sausages, along with scrambled eggs and some toast with jam. Well done Calico, well done. He even handed me a plastic fork and started setting up checkers.
"Why aren't you at the signing?" I asked, my voice a little hoarse from lack of use. He looked pleased as I speared some egg and shoved it into my mouth.
"None of the band is. Gabriel doesn't want to do it because he's still got a nasty black eye from Brodee and his ribs are killing him- serves him right," he added, raising his eyebrows at me. I felt a pang of hurt in my own chest. "Melrose was going to, but Justyn threw a fit because he was hungover and didn't want to do anything either. So we all just decided to sit out on it. Question is, why aren't you at the signing?"
I frowned and avoided speaking by shoving a whole sausage link in my mouth. Food was definitely missed, although my appetite would probably leave with Calico. He smiled comfortingly and nodded as I stood up and poured him a cup of coffee as well.
"Not so easy being the bad guy, is it?" he asked, making the first move on the checkerboard as I sat down and handed him the steaming beverage. "Even harder keeping a straight face about it, I bet."
"You have no idea," I blurted before I could stop myself. Blushing, I moved my checker and fiddled with my hands. Calico grinned.
"Yeah, I figured as much. This is why I follow the oldschool rules. I may look like no fun sometimes, but it saves me a hell of a lot of hurt in the end- not to mention whoever I'm dating. I'm not tryna be a smart ass, but you'll never see me in a relationship that fails because of me. If I end up not being into a girl, I let her down easy. Otherwise I spend my time making sure the relationship works."
"I'm starting to think I'm simply incapable," I snorted as he moved. He rolled his eyes.
"Hardly. You're probably one of the only ones who isn't incapable. Why do you think I'm here?"
"Because you're brutally nice?" I replied with a shrug. He laughed cheerfully.
"Well that, but because I like you. I think you're a good person. You make a lot of stupid decisions and you like to mess around with drugs, which isn't really my scene, but..."
Calico reached forward and put his hand on my heart, with no ill intent, looking me in the eyes seriously.
"You've got a good one of these. And nobody likes to see that go to waste."
I frowned and sniffed, moving my piece and then looking at the ground. He sighed and took a sip of his coffee.
"You're always this stubborn, aren't you?" he asked as I stuffed more food into my face
I nodded as he jumped one of my pieces and smirked triumphantly. Looking up, I saw him grinning and holding up the piece. He flicked his fingers and the checker disappeared into thin air. I stared at the spot where it had been in his hands with surprise.
"Your friends are gonna start disappearing too if you don't give a little," he stated, taking a look at his phone. "Aw man, Justyn's an idiot and can't dismantle a drumset himself. I gotta go. Maybe I'll be back later."
Calico stood up and kissed me on the top of the head, leaving the cards but picking up the checkers. As he disappeared out the door, he turned around and smiled brightly like he always did.
"Text me, okay? Being alone sucks. Trust me."
And with this he disappeared out the door and left me with my knees to my chest, finishing up my breakfast. How strange, but reassuring.
